Me: "I am calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."
Credit Card Company: "Well, sir, the account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
Credit Card Company: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Credit Card Company: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Credit Card Company: "...excuse me...?"
Me: "Did you get what I was just telling you...the part about her being dead?"
Credit Card Company: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: 'I'm calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."
Credit Card Company: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Credit Card Company: "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info is given.)
Credit Card Company: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax. )
Credit Card Company: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
Credit Card Company: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...I don't really think she will care..."
Credit Card Company: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
Credit Card Company: "Yes, that might help."
Me: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 2450 Highway 129, Plot #189...
Credit Card Company: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
Credit Card Company: (Click!)

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Stumpy And The Plane

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Stumpy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

Quotes About Taxes

Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription - please remove me from your mailing list.
Doesn't it seem like your paycheck has turned into a receipt for your payroll deductions.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
IRS - Be audit you can be
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.
Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before. (Art Buchwald)
Taxation WITH representation isn't so great, either!
Taxpayers - people who don't have to pass a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
When NASA discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity their scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface and at most temperatures. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again, enjoy paying them.